Who owns the problem parenting

Times have changed. We may not be so helpful after all; sometimes our solutions to their problems may even make their problem worse or may not even address the real underlying issue. Or, our solutions may work very well, and in the long run our children may become dependent on us to solve their problems and make their decisions for them. They are not doing their chores, they are leaving their toys all over the house, they resist eating their vegetables or going to bed on time.

Then there are all the other points of conflict; homework, TV, staying out late, time spent texting, talking or tweeting. The list goes on. He is not doing his chores! The problem for them, as they see it sometimes, is having to unload the dishwasher in the first place; not the opposite.

Does your teenage daughter really think she has a problem because she had extra time with her handsome boyfriend? Me, the parent. Why is so important to get it right and decide who owns the problem before we take action?

Think about your doctor, dentist or even your auto mechanic. Would your doctor write you a prescription or schedule an operation without an examination?

Would your dentist start to drill your teeth or your mechanic start removing your head gasket before finding out what the problem was? I hope not. An elaborate snow fort.

What happened? Problem ownership is when an issue is reflected upon and analyzed to determine who is upset and who owns the problem in a situation. A solution can be determined based on who owns the problem. Taylor, M. Parent-child relations: Context, research, and application 3rd Ed. Focus on the issue, not the person. Acknowledge your role or contribution to the problem. Describe the problem with a neutral, non-blaming approach. You could try phrasing the issue as a question.

Can we talk about how we can spend some time together? For example: Why is that so important? What would be so awful about that? Brainstorm solutions Write down any and all possible solutions: Take turns to suggest ideas.

Aim for at least ideas. Include all ideas. If one of you thinks an idea might work, leave it on the list. List the advantages and disadvantages for each idea you have left on the list.

Look at the advantages first — try to find something positive about every idea. Keep discussions brief so you have enough time to discuss all ideas left on the list. Cross off any ideas that clearly have more disadvantages than advantages. Rate the remaining options from 1 not very good to 10 very good. Try the solution Make a commitment to the solution by agreeing on the following: Who will do what, when and where? Do we need to keep track of how well our solution is working?

When will we review how the solution is going? You could ask questions like: Is the solution working?